The following document is not entirely true, yet not entirely false either. Overall, it should be observed as a METAFOR, like the lamp of the same name that hangs above our heads and illuminates our path through our life / living room.
The Loss Prevention Protocols (first draft)
It recently came to our attention that we have been incurring tremendous losses in the form of illegal shoplifting from our international stores. Even in Canada. But not in Sweden, of course.
IKEA looks upon all forms of shoplifting with the utmost severity. This is true regardless of whether someone is trying to sneak out a single pair of SAVVORY salt and pepper shakers in their back pocket, or an entire REJÜVINATION bedroom set through the express checkout lane.
To this end, we have created a euphemistically correct job position called Loss Prevention Managers. These individuals should survey, both in person and through closed circuit cameras, the crowds who frequent our IKEA stores. When done in person, the Loss Prevention Manager should maintain a low profile, appearing smiling and carefree on the outside while vigilant like a coiled spring on the inside. Their IKEA-issue, KABBOOM sawed-off shotguns should be kept out of sight at all times.
If a wayward individual is spotted trying to cause loss (aka steal), the Loss Prevention Manager is instructed to approach them in a non-confrontational manner, so as not to alarm other bystanders. If necessary, deception may be used: “Sir, it appears you have not yet paid for that. Would you mind stepping back inside for a moment and completing your transaction? If you comply, we will provide you with a complimentary DARKK window shade set.”
Once back inside IKEA airspace, the perpetrator, or “perp”, is under IKEA jurisdiction, as awarded it by His Majesty, the king of Sweden. Attempts should be made to extradite said individual to the local police department, but that has been known to be a long and drawn-out process, because shoplifting from IKEA is considered by foreign authorities to be a low-severity crime, for some reason.
It’s anarchy out there. Stay indoors, have yourself another CHIKKIN wing.
While waiting for extradition, it is important to contain the perp. To this end, the perp should be led down to the underground dungeon complex below the store. There, they should be given an IKEA KONFINMENT cell and instructed to assemble it themselves. No, there are no directions. It’s just a box, ok? The directions aren’t that helpful anyway, we all know that. Yes, there may be some screws missing, Alfred already told us about that.
The IKEA KONFINMENT cell comes in both SOLITARI and PLEX models, depending on the severity of the attempted shoplift. Trying to steal a JRYY bathroom hook for example, is not as severe as walking off with a POOPH sofa. All models are available in black, white and natural wood colors to suit the unique personality and mood of its inmate.
Hint: the KONFINMENT cell laid on its side makes a great coffee table. Yes, it’s that small.
Once assembled, the perp should be restrained with a pair of STUKK handcuffs, fed a strict diet of bottled WATR and FALUKORV sausage, and left for a couple days to contemplate their misdeeds.
Seriously? How could they dream of stealing from IKEA?
Our motto is “Improving everyday life for the majority”, “Not for the rich but for the wise”, and “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one hex wrench.” What were they thinking? Stealing from the rich and giving to themselves! We hate people like that! Why don’t you poke that son of a gun with a RAYNKOLD umbrella. YEAH! Watch him squirm! Hahahaha! Here, I heated up some water in a BOYLHOTT kettle. Let’s pour it on their heads!
Yeehaa! Dagmar, fetch me my KATTLEPRODD!
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