Many years ago, there lived a wise emperor, who decreed that all stories told about him should begin with the words “Many years ago, there lived a wise emperor”; which shows what a blithering idiot he really was. This emperor desired to have new suit made for him, and managed to get bamboozled by the one single con-artist in the entire land who told him that he would make him clothes that only wise men could see.
Being a blithering idiot, the king believed him, and seeing that he could not see the clothes himself, he decided to make pretend that he did see them, neglecting the fact that all the dumb people of the nation would surely see parts of him he would rather they didn’t.
And so it was that he put on his invisible clothes and paraded his very-visible self through the streets as all the dumb people made pretend that they couldn’t see anything, until one little boy who couldn’t have been more then six or seven years old, opened his big mouth and ruined it for everybody by saying “Hey! The emperor doesn’t have any clothes”. The emperor turned a delicate shade of fire-engine red, sentenced the boy to death, and then lived happily every after.
In the year 2011, Gore-Tex, the largest manufacturer of strange textiles and dental floss, discovered that they had discovered every type of textile known to man; they had expanded their horizons as far as humanity could reach, and the only thing they hadn’t discovered yet was Nothing. This too, they promptly set out to find, and in short order had developed a commercially viable prototype of Nothing, an extremely durable material that was also very light and airy, which they promptly trademarked.
The fashion industry jumped at the opportunity to incorporate Nothing into their clothing designs- this was the one material they had never used, and soon Gore-Tex was producing rolls of Nothing as fast they could load empty spools into their weaving machines. In short order Giorgio Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, Gucci and Ralph Lauren had each created their own line of Nothing products, each with their own unique look and feel.
The largest setback of course, was the fact that no one would know that the wearer was wearing Nothing, let alone that the Nothing was created by the leading designers of fashion. This problem was overcome by including a rectangular sticker in the box which the Nothing was packaged in, on which was written “The Nothing worn by this individual was designed and created by Gucci”.
This sticker was to be stuck to the right of the navel to indicate a Nothing shirt and on the right thigh to indicate Nothing pants. Another solution was to package the nothing in a designer handbag, thus the wearer could indicate by the fact that they had an Armani bag over their shoulder that the Nothing they were wearing on the rest of their body was Armani too.
The success of Nothing was like nothing seen before, it caught the entire world by storm and soon basically everybody in the world was walking around wearing Nothing, except for a few individuals who didn’t like the look. Soon cheap imitations were being manufactured in china and the public was warned to stay away from these cheaper look-alikes, they were said to be of lesser quality and would soon fall apart, in addition to the fact that the adhesive on the sticker was very weak and that close scrutiny would reveal a sticker on the back of the sticker that said “made in china”.
Other textile producers also tried coming up with their own Nothing-like material, and although they met with some success, calling their products things like Naught, Nil, and Zilch due to copyright laws, they did not have nearly the same success as the original Nothing. The original designers found the line to be so successful that they soon came out with spring, summer, fall and winter collections made of Nothing, in addition to swimwear, sportswear, eveningwear, and even wedding dresses of the same material.
During a fashion show in Milan, in which Ralph Lauren was launching his new summer collection entitled “Zip”, a small boy sat in the crowd watching as model after model came out wearing Nothing. The boy was no more then six or seven years old, blond, with feet the swung several inches above the ground.
Next to him sat his mother who looked like she had had her only son in her late thirties, spoiled him silly, and spent most of her time attending fashion shows like this one. The boy tugged at his mothers’ arm and asked in a voice full of innocent surprise, “Mommy, those people aren’t wearing any clothes!” to which his mother responded by tapping him gently on the head and saying “I know Brandon, I know. That is exactly the point.”
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